I haven’t blogged in over a month. There hasn’t been much to blog about, and yet there’s been so much. Where do I start?
Training has been spotty at best – for a week I’ll do really good, get in most of my workouts, then I’ll go completely off the rails and do nothing for up to 2 weeks. I’ve been tested for menopausal symptoms (negative); I’ve been erratic and emotional, and I’ve been stressed… so, so stressed.
I don’t like talking about it. It makes me feel weak. And I also know a few of my family read this blog, so I didn’t want to worry them. But it’s reached the point where either I “talk” about what I’m feeling, or I continue to gain more weight (up to 154 and holding… and no, none of my clothes fit anymore).
This week, I made a decision. I reached out to a friend of mine, and asked her to help me find a new job. It’s been 7 months, and I’ve gone from being happy and excited to being scared, paranoid, and having my confidence so rattled that I don’t feel I add value anymore. And I hate that feeling. And you start to think that it’s your fault. So I started sharing some of what I was going through with a few people, and you know what? It’s not all my fault! I work in a completely dysfunctional office.
We are an office of 12 (now); at the highest point I think we had 15 or 16? But since the second week of January, 9 people have left, 6 of whom have been fired. (5 people started in the same time frame). Do you blame me for being paranoid and scared? Even if I were performing at the top of my game (which I’m not – at 7 months in I’ve had less than half the training I feel I need), I’d be paranoid; in this environment if you cross the wrong person you could be gone.
The expectation is ridiculous – my boss (who is a top salesperson, but not a good trainer – he’s too busy performing to teach) comes in at 6:00 am or earlier, every single morning, as does our branch manager. I refuse to – aside from the fact I need my sleep, I try to get up 3-4 mornings at week at 5:00 so I can get a solid workout in before work. I put in 9+ hours a day plus time on the weekends – and on Friday I got told one of the reasons I’m not meeting my targets is I’m not putting in enough time. Excuse me?? If I can’t do this job in a 40-ish hour workweek – well, I don’t want it. Regularly working 55+ hours a week? Sorry, the money isn’t worth it. I also got scolded for having a negative attitude – to which my response was, maybe if you’d stop firing people, we wouldn’t all be so scared!!
I have my letter of resignation drawn up. I’m trying to hold on to it until I have another job lined up – the truth is, we really need my paycheque. But if I have another day like I did on Friday, I’ll hand it in and walk away… and let the chips fall where they may. I do already have one offer in hand, but it’s 100% commission, and just seems too risky. Of course, 100% commission work is still more attractive than no work at all, so we’ll see.
So aside from work drama which has consumed my life, it’s left me with little motivation and no energy to train. And it is the third week of April, and not only do we still have snow on the ground, we regularly still have snow falling! Talk about killing motivation – I want out on my bike, or out to run, and it’t just been so miserable. The Fargo marathon is 4 weeks away, and I have no idea how we’re actually going to run 26.2 miles in 4 weeks. I guess we will figure it out.
So there. That’s where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to. I miss blogging. I miss training. I miss having a life – and I’m trying to take it back now. Hopefully my next update will be sooner, and better.